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I wrote this back a couple years ago, after having these experiences/dreams, or visions. And I think if all people knew this, then there would be less suffering going on in peoples lives. So here it is, sorry that it is kind of long.

The following was a dream that I had while asleep, and I actually believe now that it possibly was not a dream, but a memory of past lives, while sleeping. The reason that I say a memory is because the feeling that I got from having or re-living this experience is one that I will never forget. And it is also one that has impacted my life so much on many levels that I feel compelled to share it with the world to help those that need this type of information.

Suicide, that is the topic. Why I was dreaming/thinking or re-living the memory of suicide is still not clear to me exactly. I do not, and have not had any suicidal thoughts or tendencies in this life of mine for 44 years of being in this body.

During one night's sleep about a month and a half ago, I had two seemingly separate memories/dreams about two different suicides. Both of which were me, committing suicide, and the whole thought process that went along with the suicide, from the few moments before the actual killing of myself, through to the end. As you read that last line that I wrote you may think to yourself, well that's not so bad, or maybe you thought well, it was probably quick and hopefully not too painful... Nothing could be so far from the actual truth. Quick and painless is not how things work when one commits suicide.

The first memory was one of me about to kill myself with a handgun shot to the head. I was there watching myself from an outside perspective, but nearby. I saw the look in my own eyes, it was a look of sadness, it was also a look of grief and loneliness. The exact reason(s) for doing what I was about to do were not apparent to me at that time or now. I do not think that it was necessary for me to know the exact circumstances as to why I was about to do what I was doing. The point I felt is that this may have been a feeling that many people have at times in their lives and that this is never the way to handle it. NEVER.

Although I was watching myself hold a shiny, large revolver in my right hand, and then pick it up and aim it towards my head, I was also thinking thoughts that were thoughts coming from my body that I was watching which was.... I hate my life, I hate all the things about my life, I hate everyone that is in my life, and I do not want to be here in my life anymore, and I want out. I have never thought things like that in 'this life' that I can recall. But apparently I was re-living what I guess to be a past life of mine.

All the thoughts that I felt while holding the gun to my head were so heavy on my soul, they made me feel like I did not belong here on this earth, in this body. And, as crazy as it sounds, I felt like this was the right thing for me to do, to continue with my life, like it might be what I am suppose to do in some way. I did not think too long about it as I sat there holding the gun, I just thought that in a few moments it will all be over, and I can finally rest. I can finally have the peace that I thought I was seeking.

I saw myself close my eyes, then I saw myself pull the trigger...BANG! The next instant I was no longer watching myself, but now I am completely immersed into myself the instant the gun fires its bullet.

From that moment on, is where this memory becomes extremely important. I pulled the trigger, the first memory is my life flashing before me, this is not something new to me, as I have been in about 3 other circumstances in my current lifetime where I have had near death experiences. The next moment I realized that this is not the first time I have been in a suicide situation. By that I mean, I now had thoughts of other past lives that I had ended as well. And I again had to feel the shame associated with all those lives I ended.

Before the bullet actually entered my head but had exited the gun already, I saw in my mind all the past lives and all the past suicides that I had committed, and felt all the pain and suffering that went with all the deaths. The pain and feelings that I felt were not only my own personal suffering that I had endured... And it was not only the pain that was from the people that were closest to me before the suicides either. To my surprise, I felt heartbreaking pain from people I saw in the memories that I really didn't even know while I was alive.

I felt the feelings of a woman that found my dead body after I had killed myself by blowing my head off with a shotgun. I laid there for days before she happened along to find me. She lived everyday with the horrified memories and sadness that she felt the day she found my dead body. I felt all those days of suffering for as long as she felt them and with the same severity.

One man found my body laying in pieces at the scene of what looked like a horrific automobile accident. It was actually a scene that came to be as I, a suicidal teen, thought that I did not want to be here on this plane anymore, and so I drove 135 MPH into a bridge abutment... BOOM! An explosion that was like a bomb going off, or a large bullet hitting the bridge then exploding. I saw the speeding car as it gained speed coming down the highway.

Next thing I knew I was looking at the speedometer inside the car... I saw 130 MPH and remembered thinking "I'll show all of them", and "we'll see how they feel now", "it will all be over in just a few seconds". I felt hate and anger, and my emotions had grown into such a rage that it felt as if my whole body could actually explode.

I looked down again and saw 135 MPH and also saw a bridge about to come up, I steered straight into it.... BOOM! What an explosion! The car, and I too, literally came apart. This was a much longer death then the one mentioned before. I felt the car crumble in such slow time (perception) that the pain was much more severe and for such a long time. I feel each piece of the car as it goes through me, and then my own body coming apart as it slams into the wall, and I feel all my parts being scattered across this huge area that covers all the lanes one way.

The severity of the pain that I felt is not being expressed enough in my writing... It is actual pain that one can feel while living, by this I mean you feel the pain, it is not only a memory, but a memory with added factors included. The pain is so intense and it lasts for so long, seeming like many hundreds of years.

For only a moment between the ages of pain that I am going through, I think "How is it that I would ever do this again now that I know all this?" Then I realize that I am now again dead. And that I will not be remembering these past memories when I come back again. I am again frustrated and more disturbed with myself than I ever was while living in any one of the past lives I had lived.

I also realize that now the few problems that I had as a living being were so small and minute compared to how they really are if you kill yourself. I also realized after re-living many hundreds of suicides that I went through, that there is not anyone of them that is easier, or less-harmful, or less-hurting. All suicides are negative, and will only make your life longer, more miserable, and so much more painful, pain like you can't even imagine, and for so long, and to feel all the people affected by your actions too on top of all that, it's very overwhelming. I wish I had a way to really explain how that feels.

Anyway, so the thoughts of the first man to see me in pieces at the car suicide site was bad enough to have to share, until all the traffic that went by and saw pieces of me scattered and all the destruction, now had to see it as well, then they hear about it on the news and it all gets out, there were many thousands of drivers that saw me that day, because it took many many hours to clean all that up. I had to feel all the pain and sorrow that all those drivers and passengers felt as they drove by and saw all the blood, fire, and destruction. These memories that I have to re-live too are only a few of the many thousands that I actually remembered. And not only remembered, but with that added feature, of having the actual feeling(s) of all the people that were involved with all of the suicides, at the exact same time. I can recall many of them and as I think about it more and focus on it I remember more, but not so much that I think I could or would actually remember them all. There are so many lives. I do not want to do this again ever. Do Not ever kill yourself!

A moment later after the near death experience, and feeling all the pain and suffering from past suicides, I hear a sizzling sound coming towards my head right where the gun was pointed. The instant that I hear the noise of the hot bullet sizzling and coming towards my head I start to feel the heat on my skin under my hair on my head. I can smell the smell of gunpowder as it was burning in the bullet. Then the heat feeling turns into a stinging pain feeling, then a moment later the feeling of pain like I have never felt before. (I have had kidney stones in this life and thought I was going to die, I have broken many bones and had lots of stitches too, I thought that I knew what pain was.) That unbearable pain was the bullet actually going into my head, through the skin, then through the blood vessels, then through the skull bone(s) and then into the brain itself. The thing about all this is that, it is not happening in a manner like I am writing about, it is happening at a rate of something like moving 1 mm in a distance equal to about 10 years worth of time. So basically to go about an inch through my head/brain it is taking about 100 years, and all this time I am feeling the extreme pain of it searing its way through my head. This pain and suffering goes on for thousands of years it seems.

The bullet finally exits out the other side in a much bigger hole than it created on the way in my head. What was only maybe two seconds in human time was a thousand years of pain and negative memories that I had to relive.

Everyone who commits suicide has to go through this and thinks the same thing, "Damn, I do not want to do this again."

I remembered having thought it every single time I relived my suicides. It is a life that you have to live. You cannot move on until you finish the life without killing yourself. I can not believe that I have basically failed over and over, many thousands of times. Oh my God. I will not leave this life by my own doing. If you can see what I saw, and feel what I felt you will do the same.


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