wrote this back a couple years ago, after having these
experiences/dreams, or visions. And I think if all people knew this,
then there would be less suffering going on in peoples lives. So
here it is, sorry that it is kind of long.
The following was a dream that I had while asleep, and I actually
believe now that it possibly was not a dream, but a memory of past
lives, while sleeping. The reason that I say a memory is because the
feeling that I got from having or re-living this experience is one
that I will never forget. And it is also one that has impacted my
life so much on many levels that I feel compelled to share it with
the world to help those that need this type of information.
Suicide, that is the topic. Why I was dreaming/thinking or
re-living the memory of suicide is still not clear to me exactly. I
do not, and have not had any suicidal thoughts or tendencies in this
life of mine for 44 years of being in this body.
During one night's sleep about a month and a half ago, I had two
seemingly separate memories/dreams about two different suicides.
Both of which were me, committing suicide, and the whole thought
process that went along with the suicide, from the few moments
before the actual killing of myself, through to the end. As you read
that last line that I wrote you may think to yourself, well that's
not so bad, or maybe you thought well, it was probably quick and
hopefully not too painful... Nothing could be so far from the actual
truth. Quick and painless is not how things work when one commits
The first memory was one of me about to kill myself with a handgun
shot to the head. I was there watching myself from an outside
perspective, but nearby. I saw the look in my own eyes, it was a
look of sadness, it was also a look of grief and loneliness. The
exact reason(s) for doing what I was about to do were not apparent
to me at that time or now. I do not think that it was necessary for
me to know the exact circumstances as to why I was about to do what
I was doing. The point I felt is that this may have been a feeling
that many people have at times in their lives and that this is never
the way to handle it. NEVER.
Although I was watching myself hold a shiny, large revolver in my
right hand, and then pick it up and aim it towards my head, I was
also thinking thoughts that were thoughts coming from my body that I
was watching which was.... I hate my life, I hate all the things
about my life, I hate everyone that is in my life, and I do not want
to be here in my life anymore, and I want out. I have never thought
things like that in 'this life' that I can recall. But apparently I
was re-living what I guess to be a past life of mine.
All the thoughts that I felt while holding the gun to my head were
so heavy on my soul, they made me feel like I did not belong here on
this earth, in this body. And, as crazy as it sounds, I felt like
this was the right thing for me to do, to continue with my life,
like it might be what I am suppose to do in some way. I did not
think too long about it as I sat there holding the gun, I just
thought that in a few moments it will all be over, and I can finally
rest. I can finally have the peace that I thought I was seeking.
I saw myself close my eyes, then I saw myself pull the
trigger...BANG! The next instant I was no longer watching myself,
but now I am completely immersed into myself the instant the gun
fires its bullet.
From that moment on, is where this memory becomes extremely
important. I pulled the trigger, the first memory is my life
flashing before me, this is not something new to me, as I have been
in about 3 other circumstances in my current lifetime where I have
had near death experiences. The next moment I realized that this is
not the first time I have been in a suicide situation. By that I
mean, I now had thoughts of other past lives that I had ended as
well. And I again had to feel the shame associated with all those
lives I ended.
Before the bullet actually entered my head but had exited the gun
already, I saw in my mind all the past lives and all the past
suicides that I had committed, and felt all the pain and suffering
that went with all the deaths. The pain and feelings that I felt
were not only my own personal suffering that I had endured... And it
was not only the pain that was from the people that were closest to
me before the suicides either. To my surprise, I felt heartbreaking
pain from people I saw in the memories that I really didn't even
know while I was alive.
I felt the feelings of a woman that found my dead body after I had
killed myself by blowing my head off with a shotgun. I laid there
for days before she happened along to find me. She lived everyday
with the horrified memories and sadness that she felt the day she
found my dead body. I felt all those days of suffering for as long
as she felt them and with the same severity.
One man found my body laying in pieces at the scene of what looked
like a horrific automobile accident. It was actually a scene that
came to be as I, a suicidal teen, thought that I did not want to be
here on this plane anymore, and so I drove 135 MPH into a bridge
abutment... BOOM! An explosion that was like a bomb going off, or a
large bullet hitting the bridge then exploding. I saw the speeding
car as it gained speed coming down the highway.
Next thing I knew I was looking at the speedometer inside the car...
I saw 130 MPH and remembered thinking "I'll show all of them", and
"we'll see how they feel now", "it will all be over in just a few
seconds". I felt hate and anger, and my emotions had grown into such
a rage that it felt as if my whole body could actually explode.
I looked down again and saw 135 MPH and also saw a bridge about to
come up, I steered straight into it.... BOOM! What an explosion! The
car, and I too, literally came apart. This was a much longer death
then the one mentioned before. I felt the car crumble in such slow
time (perception) that the pain was much more severe and for such a
long time. I feel each piece of the car as it goes through me, and
then my own body coming apart as it slams into the wall, and I feel
all my parts being scattered across this huge area that covers all
the lanes one way.
The severity of the pain that I felt is not being expressed enough
in my writing... It is actual pain that one can feel while living,
by this I mean you feel the pain, it is not only a memory, but a
memory with added factors included. The pain is so intense and it
lasts for so long, seeming like many hundreds of years.
For only a moment between the ages of pain that I am going through,
I think "How is it that I would ever do this again now that I know
all this?" Then I realize that I am now again dead. And that I will
not be remembering these past memories when I come back again. I am
again frustrated and more disturbed with myself than I ever was
while living in any one of the past lives I had lived.
I also realize that now the few problems that I had as a living
being were so small and minute compared to how they really are if
you kill yourself. I also realized after re-living many hundreds of
suicides that I went through, that there is not anyone of them that
is easier, or less-harmful, or less-hurting. All suicides are
negative, and will only make your life longer, more miserable, and
so much more painful, pain like you can't even imagine, and for so
long, and to feel all the people affected by your actions too on top
of all that, it's very overwhelming. I wish I had a way to really
explain how that feels.
Anyway, so the thoughts of the first man to see me in pieces at the
car suicide site was bad enough to have to share, until all the
traffic that went by and saw pieces of me scattered and all the
destruction, now had to see it as well, then they hear about it on
the news and it all gets out, there were many thousands of drivers
that saw me that day, because it took many many hours to clean all
that up. I had to feel all the pain and sorrow that all those
drivers and passengers felt as they drove by and saw all the blood,
fire, and destruction. These memories that I have to re-live too are
only a few of the many thousands that I actually remembered. And not
only remembered, but with that added feature, of having the actual
feeling(s) of all the people that were involved with all of the
suicides, at the exact same time. I can recall many of them and as I
think about it more and focus on it I remember more, but not so much
that I think I could or would actually remember them all. There are
so many lives. I do not want to do this again ever. Do Not ever kill
A moment later after the near death experience, and feeling all the
pain and suffering from past suicides, I hear a sizzling sound
coming towards my head right where the gun was pointed. The instant
that I hear the noise of the hot bullet sizzling and coming towards
my head I start to feel the heat on my skin under my hair on my
head. I can smell the smell of gunpowder as it was burning in the
bullet. Then the heat feeling turns into a stinging pain feeling,
then a moment later the feeling of pain like I have never felt
before. (I have had kidney stones in this life and thought I was
going to die, I have broken many bones and had lots of stitches too,
I thought that I knew what pain was.) That unbearable pain was the
bullet actually going into my head, through the skin, then through
the blood vessels, then through the skull bone(s) and then into the
brain itself. The thing about all this is that, it is not happening
in a manner like I am writing about, it is happening at a rate of
something like moving 1 mm in a distance equal to about 10 years
worth of time. So basically to go about an inch through my
head/brain it is taking about 100 years, and all this time I am
feeling the extreme pain of it searing its way through my head. This
pain and suffering goes on for thousands of years it seems.
The bullet finally exits out the other side in a much bigger hole
than it created on the way in my head. What was only maybe two
seconds in human time was a thousand years of pain and negative
memories that I had to relive.
Everyone who commits suicide has to go through this and thinks the
same thing, "Damn, I do not want to do this again."
I remembered having thought it every single time I relived my
suicides. It is a life that you have to live. You cannot move on
until you finish the life without killing yourself. I can not
believe that I have basically failed over and over, many thousands
of times. Oh my God. I will not leave this life by my own doing. If
you can see what I saw, and feel what I felt you will do the same.